I received the call notifying me of the award while finishing the first week of work in a new job after being unemployed for nine months. I had decided to put writing to the side for a while to focus on getting financially secure. I’d completely forgotten I’d applied or that decisions were due—I’d pushed everything about “writing” from my brain. That might be why I was convinced the call was a scam and spent the weekend looking for proof of what the very kind person on the phone had told me.

Two things to point out about this experience:

One, it wasn’t the first time I had chosen to focus on financial security over writing—for long stretches of time, non-writing related work has taken precedence because that’s how I afford food, rent, and healthcare. Grants like this (though never enough for everyone who needs them) help keep artists financially stable enough to afford time to create.

Two, there was nothing that could convince me I was receiving the award—short of seeing the money in my account—because the sense of distrust in strangers, the government, every too-good-to-be-true thing is so strong, at least for me, at this moment. It is hard to believe others, much less yourself, when daily life makes art-making feel unsustainable and unimportant. Grants like this, and the staff who maintain these programs, make evident the preciousness of collective support for artistic and cultural work.

I’m thankful for this grant because it will give me the material ability to return my focus to writing sooner and more often over the next year, but I’m also grateful for the mere fact of the call—even when I didn’t believe it was real— it reminded me that I have a project I’m excited to finish.